Professor Bananas Speaks!

Thanksgiving was excellent. I had many servings of fowl and many jugs of savory libations. This was my first away from the zoo, and I must say it was simply delightful. Whereas the zoo fed us bananas and bananas only, this year I sat at the "People's Table" and was treated like an equal, dare I say, even better than many of the humans that were present.

I am still getting my feet wet, as it takes me many millions, hell sometimes billions of keystrokes to make a position paper or create a readable blog. What you are reading has been HEAVILY edited. Here's an example of the unedited blog:

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Thanks Chimpanah, the Great Chimp in the Sky for my editors. Excelsior!

p.s. I simply cannot wait until someone makes sense of AdSense for me.

When Writers Don't Write

When Writers don't write, what does that make them? The answer is still a Writer, but hovering in limbo, waiting for the words to come. This is Darwin here, and I must say -- as we watch the Writers Strike (or is it Writer's Strike?) from afar, I can't help but wonder about my own writing prowess, and how feeble it has become over the years. They say real writers write -- every day, at least a little something, but I say real writers sometimes only think about writing everyday, which I have done quite a bit. I think about writing often, and I think about how often I think about writing and even though I haven't written a word, it makes me feel pretty good. Almost as good as actually writing something. Almost.

The History of Schrand

Late Summer 2006, Co-founder Darwin Schrader decides he cannot found a Think Tank by himself. Searching frantically for another Co-Founder, Darwin finds himself at the famed Los Angeles Zoo. There, the history of the world would change forever.

Half-crazed right-wing zealot Durwood Sanders was strolling alongside the monkey cages when he spotted the brilliant primate, Professor Bananas, who was thoughfully throwing his poo, which he did with a purpose, not like the other chimps, who flung feces with reckless abandon, nary a rhyme nor reason. Sanders wanted to take Bananas home, but Schrader was already a step ahead. He had applied weeks in advance and put up substantial amounts of money (and some unseemly sexual favors which he refuses to discuss) for Bananas release so he might live the rest of his years out to stud. Sanders wouldn't hear of it, and he challenged Schrader to a fight. Moments before the fisticuffs broke out, Professor Bananas intervened and brokered a peace deal. The three instantly formed a triumvirate of virtue, a pyramid of peace, and in the end, a tank to think. The three co-founders were set: Darwin Schrader, Durwood Sanders, and Professor Bananas. The three of them share the profits of their for-profit non-profit equally, although Professor Bananas does receive far less than one-third of the profits. The good news is, he is blissfully unaware of monetary values and all that entails.

MISSION STATEMENT

Everyone has questions, but who has the answers? In this day and age, where can you turn? The Federal Government? Family? Religion? Big Business? Local Government? Your Spouse? Atheists? Small Business? Big Family? Local Spouses? Small Atheists? None of these things have the answer. They are all dead ends. The ONLY place you can turn for consistent answers is the Schrand Corporation. Sure, there are other Think Tanks out there that provide answers, but only one of them provides answers directly from the gut, without research or cumbersome wordplay. Let Schrand think for you!

QUESTIONS? ANSWERS.

Finally, a corporation that has ALL the answers. And what does it cost you, the consumer, the serf, we mean, the great unwashed, the one searching for answers? Only 99 cents per question. Imagine, having every question you ask being answered by a crack team of brilliant, dedicated professionals who may or may not give you the correct answer, or even the answer you're looking for, but rest assured, it will be a certified Shrand Corp. answer, what we modestly refer to as a "SCA." Why, you can even print out the certification for proof. Read on...